Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented and baffling move, the United States has finalized a “two-for-one” deal to purchase both Colombia and Greenland using Bitcoin. The transaction, totaling 7 trillion BTC, has been hailed by Fox News as “the greatest real estate acquisition since Louisiana—possibly even better because this time we get oil, cocaine, and minerals.”
The deal, dubbed “Manifest Destiny 2.0,” grants the U.S. exclusive rights to Greenland’s untapped oil and mineral reserves, as well as Colombia’s famously lucrative cocaine industry. Both countries will now operate as U.S. territories, with Colombia serving an unexpected dual purpose: a new state-sized holding facility for undocumented immigrants.
Colombian “Freedom State” to House Undocumented Immigrants
The U.S. plans to transform Colombia into the “Freedom State,” a sprawling holding area for undocumented immigrants detained on U.S. soil. Officials describe the plan as “logistically genius” and “a much cheaper alternative to building more detention centers.”
“This is a win-win,” said Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas. “Immigrants can now live in tropical conditions, and we don’t have to spend billions on infrastructure upgrades. Plus, Colombia has so much room! It’s basically America’s new guesthouse.”
Greenland: America’s Cold, Hard Asset
Meanwhile, Greenland will be rebranded as “USA: Ice Edition,” with plans to extract every last ounce of oil and rare earth minerals from its frozen tundra. “Forget climate change—it’s mining time,” said Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm.
Greenland’s small population has been promised generous relocation packages to Florida or Texas, where they can enjoy a warmer climate while contributing to America’s labor force. “If they survive the heat, they’re welcome to stay,” added Granholm.
Politicians in Both Countries Now U.S. Government Employees
In an ironic twist, all politicians in Colombia and Greenland have been downgraded to U.S. government employees and must now adhere to strict 9-to-5 schedules. “No more siestas, no more endless coffee breaks. And working from home? Forget it!” barked U.S. Labor Secretary Marty Walsh.
Colombian officials, previously known for their flexible schedules and “creative” governance, are reportedly unhappy. “Do you know how hard it is to be corrupt on a 9-to-5 schedule?” lamented one former senator, now a junior bureaucrat in the new Department of Narcotics Management.
Greenland’s politicians were more subdued in their response. “We’ve been ignored for years, so at least now we’ll get decent pensions,” said Greenland’s former Prime Minister.
Bitcoin: The Official Currency of the Deal
The transaction was completed entirely in Bitcoin, sparking a global debate about cryptocurrency. Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen called the move “the future of finance,” while Elon Musk tweeted, “Told you Bitcoin could buy nations. Dogecoin next?”
Critics argue that Bitcoin’s volatility could backfire. If Bitcoin crashes, the U.S. risks having overpaid for Greenland and Colombia—though some argue that Colombia’s cocaine exports alone would cover the investment within months.
The Fine Print
Under the agreement, the U.S. government retains sole control over:
• Greenland’s oil and mineral production.
• Colombia’s cocaine manufacturing, which will now operate under the brand name “Freedom Powder™.”
• A 10% surcharge on all Colombian coffee exports, earmarked to fund Mar-a-Lago’s annual maintenance.
Public Reaction
Public reaction has been mixed. Many Americans are thrilled at the prospect of cheap cocaine and a new source of oil, while others are concerned about the ethics of turning Colombia into a massive immigrant holding area.
“What about Greenland’s culture?” asked one concerned citizen on Twitter. Another replied, “Bro, they barely have a culture. Let them join the winning team.”
Meanwhile, Colombia’s cartel leaders reportedly held an emergency meeting to discuss their future. Sources say they are considering lobbying for cartel-friendly laws in Congress, with one drug lord saying, “If we’re going to be Americans, we want tax breaks too.”
Global Response
International leaders are outraged. Denmark, Greenland’s former owner, called the move “highway robbery,” though insiders revealed Denmark had actually considered listing Greenland on eBay last year anticipating that the US might orchestrate a fire sale of Danish real estate.
The EU is expected to comment on this shocking development after their 4 day weekend break. The most likely reaction is a multi billion fine imposed on Google or Facebook or Microsoft or Apple for breach of data violations.
Carlson Tucker is out for lunch
